She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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