He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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