sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize