the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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