Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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