I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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