i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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