If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
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I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
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Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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