someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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