I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
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I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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