I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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