He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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