He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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