I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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