I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
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you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
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Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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