dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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