Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
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Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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