I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
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You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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