i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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