Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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