Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
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Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
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You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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