Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize