I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize