I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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