my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
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He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
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I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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