I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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