Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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