He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
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I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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