I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
did you just send me my own nude
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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