I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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