i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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