Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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