Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
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WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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