i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
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My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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