I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
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you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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