Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize