The maid of honor just puked.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
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So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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