you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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