a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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