This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
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He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
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I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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