I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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