The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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