I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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