Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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