when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize