Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
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we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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