I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize