He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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