I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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