I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize